The Keystone is Slipping

My neighbor is having his front entry repaired.  Old houses need attention and restoration on a regular basis.  As the workers were laying brick I couldn’t help but watch them rebuild the arch.  You have to know what you are doing to set the keystone.  It is absolutely the most important stone in an arch; it is the crown that locks the other pieces in place.  Without it, the arch will collapse.  As I watched the craftsmen I thought about the hundreds of churches we have worked with and realized marriage is the keystone for the local church.

With marriages in the church falling apart at an alarming rate, the church is losing its voice.  Not only are we losing our voice, we are also not being seen.  The welcoming arch that displays to the community all the wonderful ministries churches work so hard to develop is slipping and our voice and visibility is lost.

My neighbor had not inspected his front archway into his house for a while; fortunately, he caught it just in time.  Just like my neighbor, I believe the local church has forgotten to take a look at what is happening to the marriages for which they are responsible.  If we don’t address the issues, the whole thing will continue to crack and eventually will be gone. 

We see this demonstrated in the fact that the fastest growing divorce rate is in those who have been married 15 to 25 years.  It does not take a very intensive search to discover the cause.  Life gets busy and so we put our priorities in other places like raising children, pursuing a career, and trying to have a social life.  Not to mention a culture that says you have to have more and you have to have exactly what you want in order to be happy.  Whatever the reason, according to a study I recently examined we are seeing a travesty take place in our country.  It is proven in study after study that pre-marital coaching is a proven help to the first years of marriage.  Many churches are taking steps to do a better job of helping couples prepare for marriage, which is good!  My question is this:  Have we taken our eye off the keystone, and is it slipping in other areas, like the marriages of 15-25 years?  Studies show that by the time couples are married 15-25 years those who are still married have the same divorce rate whether or not they had pre-marital training.  These couples slip out the side door and we lose them.  The problem is that we get so involved with all the other bricks of ministry that we are forgetting to keep an eye on the keystone (marriage).

I read a provocative article this past week entitled: “Mum’s the Word on Divorce” by Eric Metaxas.    Metaxas allows the thought to arise that as we are silent on divorce we are also silent regarding marriage in general.  Listen to this quote out of the article by Albert Mohler, “The evangelicals allowed culture to trump Scripture….that divorce is no big deal…it is a private matter.”  He goes on to say that the “real scandal” is the fact that “evangelical Protestants divorce at rates at least as high as the rest of of the public” which creates a “significant credibility crisis when evangelicals then rise to speak in defense of marriage.”

If marriage is the keystone for the church, are we making sure the marriages in our churches are healthy, from pre-married to golden anniversaries?  

Welcoming the Next Generation

On July 13^th we welcomed our second grandchild, Thoryn Marie, into this world!  Twenty-seven years ago that very day, her mommy, Christa, had entered our lives. 

Justin and Christa are facing all the new parent struggles of feeding schedules, lack of sleep, dirty diapers, lifestyle changes…anyone who has ever had a child knows what I mean!  The list could go on and on.  Your life is no longer your own.  There is a little person now who depends on you for everything.  Big responsibility! 

We’re so thankful for the loving home Thoryn has!  She has been prayed for long before she was ever conceived.  But not all children have it so good. 

Dave, a young man who is meeting with us along with his fiancé for premarital instruction, did not have it so good.  After his parents divorced when he was four, he was part of the battle between his parents, shuffled back and forth, abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. He finally ended up in foster homes until he was old enough to decide to be on his own.  Dave then entered the army, married a girl for the sole purpose of receiving more benefits (his own explanation), and soon divorced.

This young couple hasn’t had much of an example set before them about what a marriage is or how to love someone till “death do you part.”

When they met with a couple in their church about getting married, they (a couple we had coached through some difficult times) immediately referred them to us.  And that’s where we enter the journey…a journey of a man and woman who will effect generations to come by the way they live their lives as a couple, how they raise their children, and how they serve the Lord.  And you are a part of that as you pray for and give to this ministry!

Enjoying being grandparents...as well as guides to couples who need help preparing for and living "happily ever after"!

A Kiss on the Forehead from God

Ever have one of those days you felt like “throwing in the towel”?  Oh, yes, we have, too!

                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Not too long ago while spending time with the Lord I (Paula) was asking Him if what we were doing was worth the sacrifice; just then my phone dinged, saying I had received a text.  I normally don’t check it when I’m in conversation with God, but this morning I felt I needed a diversion so I checked it and found this:

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you and your husband this morning.  You guys have been such a blessing in our lives and God only knows how much.  I just felt y’all needed to know that.  Please don’t give up on what you are doing; it’s not in vain!  We pray for you everyday asking God to bless and keep you both.  Again, thanks for helping us to get back on the right track!  We haven’t forgotten who helped us.  God bless!  Angie

Can God get any more personal or could His timing be any better?  Only God could have tapped Angie on the shoulder and prompted her to write that on that day…a day when I was ready to seek employment elsewhere!!  J  Our friend, Josie, calls moments like this “a kiss on the forehead” from God.

Yes, we do get discouraged when there is so much need in marriages and not enough resources or when hearts are unwilling to seek help for whatever situation they may face.  We are convinced no problem is too much for Him to handle and our mission is to share that with others!!

We thank God for the miracles we see taking place in relationships like Angie’s, for the protection He gives us every day, for the encouragement He provides through His Word and through others' words and actions.

Can You Help Us?

Holding back the tears Betsy confessed, “I was sexually molested at five years of age.  As a Jr. Higher I was put in foster care because my dad threated to kill me while high on drugs.  My first husband abused me.  John and I have been married five years with two little girls and we fight constantly.  We don’t want to live like this!  Please help us!”

Does that seem severe and unbelievable to you?  Then you must live in a cocoon.  In working with couples we see it all the time….the pain of innocence lost, of promises broken, disillusionment, sorrow and never-ending pain.  We see it because these are things that wreak havoc on a marriage.

All around us are people battling images in their mind—a father slamming the door as he leaves, someone who should be trusted taking your innocence, a spouse who gave their heart to someone else, a child taken away much too soon, the carnage of war overseas or on our streets here at home, on and on it goes.

We sometimes have to hide our shock and horror at the pain some people bear behind the smiles of façade.  And, yes, these are people sitting next to you in the pew at church!

The good news is that when we meet with them they are seeking help.  Is there hope?  Can life truly be lived “happily ever after”? 

It sure can!  With a loving, miracle-working God!  Without Him there is not much hope, but with Him there is!

MercyMe sings these words: 

You remain…even when the earth is shaking

You remain…even when our kings have fallen

Every mountain standing tall will crash into the sea.

You were, You are, and You will be.  Only You remain!

When all is crashing down around us…He remains!!  Statistics.  Legislation.  Politics.  Wars and revolutions.  Devastation from storms.  Violence in our streets.  Homes falling apart.  He shines even when the stars have left the sky!  He remains!

Thank you for giving us the opportunity through your financial gifts and prayers of sharing hope with individuals, couples, and families!

 Living to give hope to the hopeless!

I love you!!

 “I love you, Gramps” were the words that melted my heart.  Coen, our grandson, was staying at our house while his mother ran a few errands.  It was time for him to take a nap, so to help him get to sleep, I laid down beside him on the couch.  He looked me in the eye and spoke those magical words.

This whole escapade reminds me of a song, Unspoken Love, whose lyrics we have included with this letter.   The sad lyrics speak of the life-giving words that go unspoken day after day.

You know, it really doesn’t take a lot to make a person’s day.  Our daughter, Christa, who is expecting our second grandchild in July, shared the other day how thrilling it is when people tell her how good she’s looking, encouraging her in her pregnancy.  “Why don’t we say those things at other times as well?” she texted us.  “I need to remember that daily, to say those words that encourage others.”

In one of our seminars, Better Communication = Greater Intimacy, we talk about encouraging words and discouraging words.  They are both so easy to speak.  We simply have a choice each day (actually, many times each day!)--will we speak words of love, encouragement, nurture?  Or will we speak words that intimidate, inflict pain, or discourage.

I believe this is true in the marriage relationship more than any other.  We grow so used to each other, and if we let our minds drift into selfishness, we begin to focus on all that is wrong with our spouse.  When this happens it is so easy to forget all about encouraging words and instead let slip words that hurt.

Sometimes we get under the mistaken opinion that our deeds are all that are needed to express our love.  Like the poor wife who, after forty years of marriage, was desperate to hear her husband verbally express his love.  She confronted him by asking, “Do you love me?” “Why do you ask?” he said. “Because you never say so,” was her reply.  His reply?  “I told you ‘I love you’ on our wedding day and nothing has changed.  If anything changes, you will be the first to know!”  L  We need to hear those reassuring words—I love you!

I’m not saying to forget the tangible demonstrations of our love.  As we approach Easter, we find the most demonstrative act of love ever displayed.  But God not only shows His love for us, it is expressed throughout the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation.  In fact, the Bible is often called His love letter to His children!

So, make somebody’s day today by showing and expressing love!

This is gonna hurt!

Fallen down lately? I did!  After skirting black ice throughout our entire two-mile walk on one of those cold, icy mornings I let my guard down for a second and went head first at the end of our driveway.  As if in slow motion, my mind whirred as first my knees, then my wrists, and finally my chin hit the sidewalk with one thought:  This is going to hurt!

We don’t heal as fast as we used to!  The skinned chin is all healed, the scraped knees will scar and still hurt to the touch and, the worst, the sprained wrist has to be babied.  Accidents happen so quickly, without warning, and can cause injury that can hurt for days, months, and, yes, years in the future.

The same can be said about the words that come out of our mouths.  One word or a few words spoken without thought of how it will effect the other person can cause injuries that will take days, months, and, often, years to heal; some cause such injury they never fully heal.

Our all-knowing Father knew we would have a problem with this.  He has quite a description of the tongue and the words we say in the book of James.  He describes the tongue as a small part of the body, but like a spark of fire, can result in devastation.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness…this should not be.  James 3:9-10

In working with couples and families one of our main areas of focus is on communication.  That entails going through a process of forgiveness (asking and giving) for past poor communication and teaching on how to communicate effectively (being understood without hurting others with your words in the process.)

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,

but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs…  Ephesians 4:29

Sounds simple, right?  Actually, it’s quite a job!  So many past hurts and little understanding on how to change.  But thankfully we have an awesome God who can help!  We have seen Him change a seemingly hopeless home into a thriving relationship, which can light the way for others.

Which brings us to our prayer requests.  Our desire is that in all we do, we do in His name (Colossians 3:23) and will make the most of every opportunity (Colossians 4:5-6).  Please pray that God will open doors for our message and that we would proclaim it clearly.